I'm getting back into my Nuclear Medicine program in the spring and should graduate in August.

I really wanted to go to Florida and visit the Salvador Dali memorial museum with Lucas but it doesn't look like that'll happen. I honestly can't be spared a week as I have been told that I am "a vital employee" to self- serve. It's just me and Mike left that started over two years ago. Everyone else is fresh and can't do half the job we can. 

I won't be at IKEA anymore ever again after December. I'm leaving the job on good terms and am pursuing my education/career in the medical field.

I'm really down. It's becoming pointless to wake up in the morning aside from going to work. 

I feel alone. I want to be in a relationship again but it seems so hard finding a girl that's worth having. She needs to be able to inspire me and so far only one has done that in my entire life. I sometimes say to myself like I'm Wayne looking at Cassandra "She will be mine. oh yes, she will be mine." but then I make myself remember that it's just a brick wall you run into with this girl and that trying for her is ALWAYS going to be one- sided. I look at her face and my brain starts popping with ideas. It's quite possibly the best and worst thing about me.

My brother said "If you go out and look for something you're going to find shit." I would probably take shit right about now to be honest.

I went with Chris and his girlfriend to a pub called the Mucky Duck to hear scottish folk music. It wasn't bad but the musician on before them was a complete bitch. At one point she was scatting (no pun intended) and said "This is fucking music!" in the mic as she's walking on people's tables. I write on a napkin to Chris and say -
"If I could be anything in the world right now I'd be the table she's standing on so I could break my legs."

It's as if things will never move in the upswing.

"I'm sure since you'll be in town for only a few days you'll want to spend them with family. But if you have some free time I'd love to do something. What do you think?"

-Is the last thing I said in the last bit of my conversation with Meaghan. Going on three days without a response. I know she must have seen that by now. 

I'm seriously thinking of calling her and introducing myself in an attempt to start off anew. That would probably look even more crazy. I'm so fucking lame at talking to her it's not even funny. Things were going great at the start but in the past ten days the "old Jonathan" came out and was retarded. You know, the guy that has no finesse with damn near anything. 

At this point I think her silence has made it clear that whatever interest she might have had in me, as small as it may have been, has passed. I know this all sounds self destructive but I am retarded. I'm like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy trying to make a sale only not as fat and slightly not as dead from a drug overdose.

I thought I had a cut on one of my fingers since Sunday. It turned out to be a long splinter. Taking a razor to your flesh to pry out wood is not sexy.

I trained a seasonal employee today. Im trying to give him the benefit of the doubt it being his first day on the floor at IKEA, but he is too physically weak and too damn slow. That seems harsh but during the summer sale you cannot take forever to get somewhere and spend too much time lifting. 

Ikea needs to replace everyone in self-serve with ten clones of me. That's how confident I am in my performance in every aspect of my job, be it a friendly customer service attitude or physical strength needed to lift anything in the department. 

I can hold up my thumb to my monitor and against the white screen I can see the outline of my thumb and a circular chunk missing. It's kind of gross but it will heal.

I want to ask when she'll be back in town but I don't want to sound anxious. It feels like everything with her is being held on by the thinnest of threads that could unravel at anytime.

It has come to my attention that when I am quasi interested in someone of the opposite of sex (and she is reciprocative) that I tend to be more easy going about things. 

The revelation is that my interactions with any girl seem normal except when it comes to Meaghan. I tend to put my foot in my mouth/say the wrong things/ be a retard. It's as if my own brain doesn't want me to stand a chance. 

At this point I am really clueless as to what to do. If I continue talking to her I'll probably look more like a 'tard. On the other hand it's better than the dead silence I've had for four years.

I think this is more for my benefit than for my oh so many readers.

I started drawing again after almost five years of a drought. It came like a floodgate was open.
I am back working at IKEA. I must confess that it is mostly for physical exercise.
I have been losing weight continuously since April 16th. I started at 290 and am now down to 256. 
I am losing weight to not only be healthy but also to look more physically attractive to the opposite of sex.
I am crazy about one in particular; Meaghan. 
I drew a very large portrait of her on 49 notecards.
I started talking to her at the end of May after four years. 

I don't want to seem anxious but I get so excited about hearing from her in facebook that I might have screwed the pooch. I'm just going to stop talking to her altogether for as long as I can stand. I should probably wait until the date I told myself I would try to see her, June 20th. I figure in another fifteen days I'll look ok enough to see her.
I have been getting in to shape with her in mind. Yes, personality and chemistry count big time but I also want to have an edge with my "looks" if you could call them that. 

It's sad because I know deep down that she wants someone to care for and appreciate her. She's tired of being second rate to every male in her life. In fact most if not all that have had an interest in her have only physical intentions if you catch my drift. 

I want to rescue her from all she's known. I want to treat her with the respect I know she deserves. I am dead afraid of ever showing her the drawing.  Those 49 notecards would either strengthen whatever, if any, relationship I could possibly have with her or doom me for a second round of rejection. There's really no way of saying "Hey I did a giant drawing of your face and it has absolutely no meaning behind it" because that would be complete and utter bullshit. 

Coming home from work and seeing "Meaghan has sent you a facebook message" is the high point of my day. I want to tell her that but hell, I haven't even seen her in four years much less become anything to her that would make her not think of me as a creepy guy from high school.
I'm trying not to think about what I could have said to her over facebook that would have sounded better than what I have said so far. That's really kicking myself when I'm down. Instead, I DDR my brains out in an effort to look as good as I possibly can.