Jonathan

An update

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 07:29:23 GMT

I'm getting back into my Nuclear Medicine program in the spring and should graduate in August.

I really wanted to go to Florida and visit the Salvador Dali memorial museum with Lucas but it doesn't look like that'll happen. I honestly can't be spared a week as I have been told that I am "a vital employee" to self- serve. It's just me and Mike left that started over two years ago. Everyone else is fresh and can't do half the job we can.

I won't be at IKEA anymore ever again after December. I'm leaving the job on good terms and am pursuing my education/career in the medical field.

I'm really down. It's becoming pointless to wake up in the morning aside from going to work.

I feel alone. I want to be in a relationship again but it seems so hard finding a girl that's worth having. She needs to be able to inspire me and so far only one has done that in my entire life. I sometimes say to myself like I'm Wayne looking at Cassandra "She will be mine. oh yes, she will be mine." but then I make myself remember that it's just a brick wall you run into with this girl and that trying for her is ALWAYS going to be one- sided. I look at her face and my brain starts popping with ideas. It's quite possibly the best and worst thing about me.

My brother said "If you go out and look for something you're going to find shit." I would probably take shit right about now to be honest.

I went with Chris and his girlfriend to a pub called the Mucky Duck to hear scottish folk music. It wasn't bad but the musician on before them was a complete bitch. At one point she was scatting (no pun intended) and said "This is fucking music!" in the mic as she's walking on people's tables. I write on a napkin to Chris and say -
"If I could be anything in the world right now I'd be the table she's standing on so I could break my legs."

It's as if things will never move in the upswing.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 12:57:19 GMT

212 now. I REALLY slacked off in every department for about a week. I'm back on track now.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 09:19:20 GMT

I would venture a guess and say I am down to 217. Two mornings ago I was 219 and I've had a lot of exercise since then. 37 pounds to go! I think at this rate that'll end up happening by the end of August.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 22:06:24 GMT

I am at a plateau of weight. I hover in the low 230's atm. This past week has been a bit of a break from the normal "bust my ass" cardio. I'll pick it back up after this weekend.

I say that because starting today is IKEA's summer sale. Anytime I go to work I ALWAYS lose weight. I'm looking forward to this weekend because I work both Sat and Sun during some hard hours. That's going to be a lot of activity and if it doesn't get me out of the 230's I don't know what else will, aside from liposuction that is.

Things are a bit confusing on the Meg front. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst (are you gonna drop the bomb or not?) But enough Alphaville... I hope she wants to see me even a fourth as much as I want to see her.

I'm supposed to see "A Clockwork Orange" tonight with Gina. I hope we're still on. If not, I'm still going even if it is by myself.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 08:34:15 GMT

2,250 calories of DDR + 25 minutes on the eliptical = Peni$

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Sat, 23 Jun 2007 09:29:18 GMT

I'm really excited about future aspirations.

I want to pick up rock climbing with Adam.
I want to take dance classes with Rebecca.
I want to play more darts with Lucas.
I want to pose for Gina's photography.
I want to see Meaghan in ten days if only for five minutes.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 05:34:32 GMT

"I'm sure since you'll be in town for only a few days you'll want to spend them with family. But if you have some free time I'd love to do something. What do you think?"

-Is the last thing I said in the last bit of my conversation with Meaghan. Going on three days without a response. I know she must have seen that by now.

I'm seriously thinking of calling her and introducing myself in an attempt to start off anew. That would probably look even more crazy. I'm so fucking lame at talking to her it's not even funny. Things were going great at the start but in the past ten days the "old Jonathan" came out and was retarded. You know, the guy that has no finesse with damn near anything.

At this point I think her silence has made it clear that whatever interest she might have had in me, as small as it may have been, has passed. I know this all sounds self destructive but I am retarded. I'm like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy trying to make a sale only not as fat and slightly not as dead from a drug overdose.

I thought I had a cut on one of my fingers since Sunday. It turned out to be a long splinter. Taking a razor to your flesh to pry out wood is not sexy.

It's very hard to hit the space bar with a gash in your thumb.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 07:01:42 GMT

I trained a seasonal employee today. Im trying to give him the benefit of the doubt it being his first day on the floor at IKEA, but he is too physically weak and too damn slow. That seems harsh but during the summer sale you cannot take forever to get somewhere and spend too much time lifting.

Ikea needs to replace everyone in self-serve with ten clones of me. That's how confident I am in my performance in every aspect of my job, be it a friendly customer service attitude or physical strength needed to lift anything in the department.

I can hold up my thumb to my monitor and against the white screen I can see the outline of my thumb and a circular chunk missing. It's kind of gross but it will heal.

I want to ask when she'll be back in town but I don't want to sound anxious. It feels like everything with her is being held on by the thinnest of threads that could unravel at anytime.

Revelation

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 05:48:07 GMT

It has come to my attention that when I am quasi interested in someone of the opposite of sex (and she is reciprocative) that I tend to be more easy going about things.

The revelation is that my interactions with any girl seem normal except when it comes to Meaghan. I tend to put my foot in my mouth/say the wrong things/ be a retard. It's as if my own brain doesn't want me to stand a chance.

At this point I am really clueless as to what to do. If I continue talking to her I'll probably look more like a 'tard. On the other hand it's better than the dead silence I've had for four years.

Update

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 07:01:10 GMT

I think this is more for my benefit than for my oh so many readers.

I started drawing again after almost five years of a drought. It came like a floodgate was open.
I am back working at IKEA. I must confess that it is mostly for physical exercise.
I have been losing weight continuously since April 16th. I started at 290 and am now down to 256.
I am losing weight to not only be healthy but also to look more physically attractive to the opposite of sex.
I am crazy about one in particular; Meaghan.
I drew a very large portrait of her on 49 notecards.
I started talking to her at the end of May after four years.

I don't want to seem anxious but I get so excited about hearing from her in facebook that I might have screwed the pooch. I'm just going to stop talking to her altogether for as long as I can stand. I should probably wait until the date I told myself I would try to see her, June 20th. I figure in another fifteen days I'll look ok enough to see her.
I have been getting in to shape with her in mind. Yes, personality and chemistry count big time but I also want to have an edge with my "looks" if you could call them that.

It's sad because I know deep down that she wants someone to care for and appreciate her. She's tired of being second rate to every male in her life. In fact most if not all that have had an interest in her have only physical intentions if you catch my drift.

I want to rescue her from all she's known. I want to treat her with the respect I know she deserves. I am dead afraid of ever showing her the drawing. Those 49 notecards would either strengthen whatever, if any, relationship I could possibly have with her or doom me for a second round of rejection. There's really no way of saying "Hey I did a giant drawing of your face and it has absolutely no meaning behind it" because that would be complete and utter bullshit.

Coming home from work and seeing "Meaghan has sent you a facebook message" is the high point of my day. I want to tell her that but hell, I haven't even seen her in four years much less become anything to her that would make her not think of me as a creepy guy from high school.
I'm trying not to think about what I could have said to her over facebook that would have sounded better than what I have said so far. That's really kicking myself when I'm down. Instead, I DDR my brains out in an effort to look as good as I possibly can.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Sun, 20 May 2007 18:17:49 GMT

"Art" is literally falling out of my ass right now.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Wed, 09 May 2007 05:03:28 GMT

On drawing paper measuring 2ft x 1 1/2ft I have started my most difficult drawing ever. It is difficult in the amount of tedium needed to produce results. I have been drawing for a solid hour nonstop and have completed only 2inch x 1 inch of the drawing's background. Well it's not so much the background as you could consider the "background"manipulating the look of the drawing paper for my intentions of the true image.

It's been a long time since I've anticipated finishing any of my own work. I'm pretty excited.

from wayne

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 03:01:40 GMT

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 22:48:58 GMT

Today, as I held a one month old little girl in my arms and sang her the lullaby "Stay Awake" from Mary Poppins just to calm her down to image her for possible parathyroid cancer I realized that in my year and a half in Nuclear Medicine that I have witnessed the broadest spectrum of humanity.

- An old man called me "John" when I was at the VA but I didn't care because for three hours he had someone to talk to and a friend. I actually hated seeing his film, whether or not it was good or bad, because he would only be in for imaging if there was something wrong to begin with. I had to use a harness that was like a swing to get him up from his wheelchair and onto the scanning table because he could hardly walk. I think it was fun for both of us. He smiled everytime he saw me.

- There was a boy brought in to Texas Children's Hospital for a bone scan who was in his midteens. As I was doing the scan his mother was asking me questions about what I was doing. Thankfully I was able to answer most of them. She just started talking about many different things and it got to the point where I think she just needed someone to listen. She mentioned that her son has good days and bad days. This time he was having a really bad month.

- I'm wheeling a patient's stretcher out of the room when suddenly her lines get caught on God knows what. Literally I'm holding the lines and try to get this thing out the door and the other technologist reassures me that he's got them. Well hearing "Jesus Christ!" and then turning to see a long pink tube on the ground will make your blood solidify. Surprisingly enough there was not a drop of blood from this woman's pick line that had just been accidentally removed. The chief tech comes in and sets up a catheter in her hand so we can do the renal scan and I stay with her. A few minutes later the chief tech pops her head in and asks if I can help with another patient and I think she could tell by the look in my eyes that i wasn't leaving this patient. At first I thought it was to try and put a friendly face to Methodist but then I realized that this woman's life was outstanding. We get to talking and it turns out she was a model growing up in the 50's. There's a tin Coca'Cola tray with a red head(she says she was blonde) with a top hat that has her name on it. She fell in love and moved to Houston with her still husband of 51 years. Her daughter converted to Hare Krishna and moved to India with her two boys. The three of them were mugged on a roadside one day and her daughter was shot in the heart but survived. I shared how I proposed to my fiance Christina and our future aspirations. She wished us the best of life and thanked me so much for talking with her. I stayed with her until 7:45 pm. I thought to check up on her the next time I was in to see how she was doing but decided against it as I can't involve myself in people's lives this much.

Because this matters. Damn you Lucas!

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Mon, 08 May 2006 06:54:01 GMT

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Fri, 17 Mar 2006 02:36:53 GMT

I post agaiN!

muah hahahaha

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 23:39:13 GMT

I am posting in jonathan's journal again.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 17:57:46 GMT

haha i am posting on jonathans journal...ahh hahaha

Studying blows

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 23:00:10 GMT

but it must me done.

DAMNIT, SHE'S IN TOWN FINALLY AND I AM HERE HAVING TO LOOK OVER THIS CARP!
That's right, "crap" has ascended to a new form and is now carp!

typical return to livejournal message

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Sun, 20 Nov 2005 05:59:39 GMT

I work at IKEA in the self serve department which ironic because no customer seems to be able to serve themselves.

I canceled my account for World of Warcraft recently. I honestly didn't want any kind of distractions in this crunch time for my nuclear medicine program.

Which by the way I may/may not barely squeak by to the next semester because of how poorly I performed in the beginning of the semester. I do attribute this to the game and have decided to suspend play indefinitely to try and get my crap together. I may play again one day when things are more stable. It was good fun while it lasted, but some things are just more important.
It is so overwhelming knowing how much better I need to perform on this next test coming up and on my finals. I NEED to get the highest A's possible.

I come home from a hard night at work and just want to be met with a big hug and kiss from my wife when I walk in the door, but I remember that I'm not married yet and she's God knows how many miles away. But for a split second before I turn the key to the backdoor I get a smile on my face and a warm feeling of my love for someone who isn't even there. The feeling is soon fleeting as I walk into a dark and lifeless kitchen/living room. This is probably the highest and lowest point of my day.

"Sometimes there's a man Sometimes there's the Dude."

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Sun, 23 Jan 2005 11:29:13 GMT

Smash was good fun tonight. Chris pulled off some very cool stuff on Adam and it tore some ass up. Dash has really been crappy for me lately. I'm not too sure why I've been doing so poorly. Out of some 12 races in the game that we do, I can't seem to get above three wins(if even)while the majority have been going to Adam.
I used to get at least seven first places on a regular basis and sometimes even a dominating nine wins. Now that's not saying that Adam has improved, but that is saying that I feel like I don't present Chris or Adam with a challenge anymore when racing.

We watched "the Big Lebowski" tonight. Adam had never seen it before. I've seen it a countless number of times. I always enjoy it. Christina, we should watch it. That movie is amazing in so many ways.

I miss Christina a lot. I'll see her in something like three weeks though so I'm all good.

I wonder what Lucas is doing.

Patrick Eary has invited me to one of his band's performances. I really don't care about his band or if they "make it big" because of this coming performance. I said that I would be there. I feel a little regret for having said this. Then I realize that even though I really don't give a shit about his band, I do give a shit about him and he's a friend so I will be there.

I look good for weighing around 250lbs. Not a whole lot of guys can say that at the weight that I am at. My dad and I were at the chinese buffet by my house and we overheard some couple talking about how they can't tell the difference between college and high school kids anymore. "...blah blah He's 230lbs? That's nearly what I weigh. blah blah...." I looked at the guy that said that and he looked horrid. He was maybe an inch or two shorter than me and I surmize that he weighed no more than 250. As much as I wish to be bone, skin, and packed full of muscle; I can be content with my current self.

Paul(Adam's brother) is getting married March 12th. I'm really excited for him. I look forward to the day when I can be in his position and see Christina walk down the aisle. One thing though, I feel like I've been invited to the wedding only because of my friendship with Adam. Not saying that Paul is no friend of mine. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just feel like I'm imposing. That's his wedding. He can invite who he wants. By all means I will have the Roch family at my wedding even if it means going to Mary's and pulling Adam's gay ass off of some cross- dresser big red lipsticked greasy lips. Like I said, I just feel like I'm imposing.

I'm done with my core classes for the Nuclear medicine program I so desperately want to be in. There were seven core classes plus an algebra class that was pretty pertinant that I have to complete. I completed four classes this past semester. A,A,A, and a B. I have a 3.714 GPA currently. I'm proud of myself because I've never passed an algebra class as well as I did. The B was in Chemistry. I need to transfer from ORU my English Comp 1 credit and my Speech credit. I'm hoping that they can be transferred without negatively affecting my current GPA. When I took those courses I wasn't ambitious in life. I didn't know a thing about my desires for Nuclear Medicine nor what kind of grades it would take to get into the Nuc Med program.

I called and asked the program director what's a good score for an applicant to have on the point system that's in place to designate them for a personal interview which would determine their acceptance or rejection into the Nuc med program. He said between 140 and 150, when closer to the deadline if there are a lot of applicants, 180 points would be a good score. I've got 208 points!!! I'm still stoked about that even though it's been going through my head for a week and a half now. Just thought I'd share.

I'm going to work with my dad on Monday and probably Wednesday as well. He works at a small clinic that does purely radiological imaging. He's an MRI tech so on Monday I'll be observing and if all goes well, my volunteership will be tranferred to a different location for nuclear medicine.
When we were at dinner the other night(Chinese buffet) he mentioned that I should get a hair cut. Cut it short he said. He said there wasn't much room for my long hair(it was down past my lips). I got it cut today at 4pm. It is now, at it's longest, down to eye level. I miss the length so much. I will have to get used to it. I hope Christina doesn't mind too much. I know she liked the length I had it at previously. It will grow back. I just have to keep telling myself that. It will grow back.

I've been really pushed to get a job by my mom and Christina. I'm trying, albeit not as hard as I know I could. I just don't have a huge need. I don't pay the taxes on my house. What gas I need for my car is funded with an account for our place of business at each gas station so it is tax deductable. I have very little need of money. I was talking to my dad about it and I told him that I'd rather designate more of my time volunteering at his place of business. Such a thing would only give me excellent experience in the healthcare environment and also give me a leg up on the other students when I get into the nuc med program. I'd rather spend my time learning my future trade to the best of my abilities and extent that the law will allow to better prepare me for my future in the healthcare industry than work a job that after working for 8 hours would end up with around 50 dollars if even.

I've been reading like a madman. I think in these past 22 days, I've devoured something like 5 or 6 books. Now to the few of you out there reading this, 5 or 6 books may not be a lot in twenty some odd days. I used to never read. I think it was the DaVinci Code that got me started back up. I realized how enjoyable a good book can be and just kept on going. I got into Palahniuk pretty heavily. Such an amazing author. I read the precursor to the DaVinci Code; Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. I've gone through Memorium by Tennyson. I've read through nearly 8 of the 10 book series of the Vampire Chronicles. I'm more than halfway through book 8. I think reading the Vampire Chronicles sparked because I loved Interview with the Vampire so much that I just had to see what else could have been in store for the characters in it. Anne Rice wrote the screenplay for Interview with a Vampire so I already had a sense of her writing with motion picture. At times it can get a little extreme with the main characters, but it all settles quickly. There's no way anymore of the VC could be made (not counting that trash Queen of the Damned movie) because sadly Cruise and Pitt are far too old to play their parts.

The dude abides.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Sat, 25 Dec 2004 16:52:00 GMT

Merry Christmas to all and to all, shut the hell up!

20!

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Mon, 06 Dec 2004 08:11:54 GMT

Happy birthday to me.

that sucked...

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Mon, 22 Nov 2004 13:48:03 GMT

Well it's 6:35 and I hear the roll of pistons and engine down the street...OH SHIT! Garbage Day!
I missed the truck.
He normally comes at 8 am give or take 15 minutes.
For some reason he came at 6:35. A bit early for him.
I forgot to put out my garbage last night so I woke up as soon as I heard him roll down the street and put it out on the other side of the street. I waited for the truck to come by the other side and get it for about 45 minutes. Here he comes and there he went. He didn't get my can! He only picked up one can on the other side of the street!

I pondered, what's it to him if it's just one more can?

I had missed the garbage truck last week so no way was I going to let this one go too.
So I ran down the garbage man and told him that I forgot to put it out. He was quite surly. He put it in reverse and said I needed to put it out at night.
I was thankful.
Why did he have an attitude? All it would have been was just one more stop for him to make. He makes thousands of stops every garbage day.

Note to self-
put the can out at night.

guildstarfire@hotmail.com — Wed, 03 Nov 2004 12:18:34 GMT

There is no way to describe the kind of tired I am right now. I'm inundated with work for computer applications. I don't think I'll get a B in that class. I'm behind by about a week. I know it's all my fault because rather than do a lesson or two a day like I should, I let it all accumulate. That puts me in situations like I am now.

Should I have to take the course over again I'll know exactly what not to do.

In other news, Bush will be the winner of this election. Compounded upon my tiredness, I can already forsee today being a real shitty ass day.